50 Things I Must Not Do At Hogwarts: Marauders Era
by Kay of Lamvia Terra
Summary: There are a many, many things Marauders can get up to that arn't specifically stated in the school rules. So they are forced to write reminders of what not to do so they don't repeat past mistakes. What do you mean? Of course that's the real reason! JP/LE
1. 1st

Disclaimer: The character's are JKR's, and the "things not to do" are courtesy of the many readers who have posted them on the internet.

_It was the end of fifth year, James Potter was having the time of his life. He was on his first date ever with the girl of his dreams. The redheaded Lilly Evans had actually consented (after some persuasion) to go on a single date with him, and being James, he had chosen, not her ideal date, but his. _

"Come on, Boors, KILL HIM!!"

"Watch out for their beater, they don't play fair."

"It's THERE! THERE, YOU FAIRY!"

It was the House Cup, Slytherin vs. Hufflepuff (unfortunately, Gryffindor had gotten kicked out early this year due to the fact that their two starting beaters had collided in midair. James had never been more displeased in his entire life.) The stands were packed with spectators from every house. It was a gorgeous May afternoon, and from his and Lilly's seats on the top of the stands, you could see miles into the surrounding countryside. Lilly was laughing at something he had said, and, James thought, looking absolutely radiant with her hair tousled from the wind. She seemed to be having fun. He leaned back contentedly and cautiously put an arm around her shoulders. When she did not move away, he grinned quietly and his mind returned to the game at hand. There was a rumor that Hufflepuff had a secret weapon (reputedly named after a fungus) that they would only pull out to get the winning goal. And, with five minutes left and a score of 150 to 140 Slytherin, they needed it.

Meanwhile, across the pitch, the remaining Marauders sat glumly without their fourth quarter. They had enjoyed the game, but far less than they would have if Gryffindor, led by their dear Prongs, had been playing. Remus Lupin sighed. Sirius was getting fidgety, and Peter was whining about something or other. He had not realized that when he set James and Lilly up that it would mean watching the House Cup without him. Suddenly, Peter sat bolt upright in his seat.

"What's up Pete?" Sirius asked, bored. Peter was staring at a small group of players that had congregated around center pitch.

"Badger…" Peter said, pointing. He was counting the Hufflepuff team members, all of whom seemed to be congregating around one of their team members. "Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger." Then Lupin took up the chant, stunned shock showing on his face.

"Badger badger badger badger badger," the rest of the crowd picked it up in stunned awe.

"MUSHROOM!" screamed Sirius. "The MUSHROOM! It's the MUSHROOM!" The entire team ended up flying slowly and menacingly towards the opposite end of the pitch in their secret formation. The chanting continued from the shell shocked crowd, held in suspense of the great moment.

"Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger…" Suddenly, the entire team exploded outward towards different sides and heights, each of them faking holding a quaffle in their right arm.

"MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM!" the crowd roared, and Allington, the keeper for the Slytherin team, shot to the left after the star chaser, leaving the goal posts wide open for their Seeker to score the winning goal. But the seeker of the opposing team moved to intercept them.

"SNAKE! SNAKE! OOH, IT'S A SNAKE!" shouted Lidia, Sirius' girl of the month on Lupin's left. But at the last second, something caught his attention and he appeared to lose balance, enabling the Hufflepuff Seeker was able to shoot the final goal. There was dead silence as it soared through the hoop.

Time stopped. The crowd roared their approval, and the Hufflepuff team reformed in the center and began their victory lap. James turned to Lilly and smiled dazzlingly. I do believe at this moment, Lilly thought, I am perfectly happy, and she kissed him soundly in celebration. But the shrill call of Madam Hooch's whistle cut through the catcalls like a knife.

"PENALTY!! PENALTY!!" she shrieked. All the jubilation was sucked out of the crowd in less than a second. "CROWD INTERFERENCE!! SLYTHERIN WINS THE MATCH!!" Boos and hisses came from the ¾ of the stadium as the Slytherin team began it's victory lap.

"Why are you mad at _us_?" Lucius Malfoy called tauntingly as he flew by, "It's them that started the chanting!" There was much staring focused on the Marauders, who made a hasty exit, followed by the Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw Quidditch teams.

The next morning they were found tarred, feathered, and hung from the goal posts of the Quidditch pitch, and Madam Pomfrey was mysteriously out of burn treatments.

**The first thing the Marauders must not do at Hogwarts:**

**I will not sing "The Badger Song" during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches. **

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Thanks to everyone who read this chapter!! Remember, my muse loooooves reveiws, they help her concentrate. I have a good supply of things they shouldn't neccesarily be doing, but if anyone has any ideas, please let me know!!


	2. 49 to 46: For the Python Lovers, Part 1

Disclaimer: the wonderful characters of Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew James Potter, Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore are ALL JKR's , and I would kill for the rights to the group's token werewolf. Then he would be all MINE ;) the things they aren't supposed to be doing are courtesy of the internet. Monty Python references are all creations of Eric Idle, Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones and Michael Palin.

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It was time for the annual Brunch on Boxing Day, and as usual, the four Marauders were shoveling food into their faces as fast as possible before any of the others stole if from them.

"Hello there, Mr. Black!" Professor Dumbledore said cheerfully, approaching Sirius from behind as he was spooning oatmeal onto his plate. Unfortunately, this unexpected encounter with authority caused Sirius to jump, spattering James' glasses with oatmeal.

"Hello, marm, er, sir! … erm… My Liege!" He sputtered, not aware that he had done anything wrong. James cursed under his breath as he tried to fix his problem, but the oatmeal could apparently also be used as powerful glue.

"I was wondering if I could see you in my office, if you have a moment." Dumbledore asked, his blue eyes twinkling with amusement.

"Yes, of course My Liege," repeated Sirius dutifully. With an apologetic grin at James that caused many of the girls at nearby tables to swoon loudly, Sirius hastily exited, looking mildly amused at the reaction he had produced.

--

"Mr. Black."

The second Sirius had walked into the circular office, his small attention span had focused on the small silver instrument on Dumbledore's desk which was emitting puffs of colorful smoke. He was currently staring at them in fascination. Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"Mr. Black!" Sirius snapped back to attention, resisting the urge to chase the smoke like his doggy-senses were telling him to.

"Thank you, Mr. Black. I was wondering if you could tell me what went on in Professor McGonagall's Transfiguration class yesterday afternoon."

"Right My Liege," said Sirius. Dumbledore gave Sirius a cynical glance over the tops of his half moon spectacles.

"It is Headmaster, Mr. Black."

**#49**

**Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My liege". **

"Yes, sir." relieved that that's what he was here for, not a certain event that had taken place in the Great Hall that night, Sirius began his dialogue. "Here's what happened…"

--

_Sirius barged into the Professor McGonagall's classroom, singing at the top of his voice. _

"We're Knights of the Round Table,  
We dance when ere we're able,  
We do routines and chorus scenes  
With footwork im-pec-CABLE!  
We dine well here in Camelot,  
We eat ham and jam and spam a looooooooooooot-agh!"

_His last note was cut off abruptly as he tripped over his own delicate soft-shoe. Lupin followed behind, rolling his eyes at the hyper over-dramatic-ness of Sirius Black. _

"_Mr. Black!" Professor McGonagall snapped, "That is quite enough!" _

"_What! WHAT WAS THAT!?" Sirus looked injured. "DID YOU JUST TELL ME TO SHUT UP!?"_

"_Mr. BLACK YOU ARE NOT! I MERELY REQUESTED THAT-"_

"_Yes, yes! YOU ALL HEARD IT! SHE'S STIFFELING MY FREEDOME OF SPEECH! HELP!! HELP I'M BEING REPRESSED!"_

_Remus had joined James and Peter at their table, and was now attempting to sink into the chair. James appeared to be enjoying himself, roaring with laughter. _

"_Detention, Mr. Black! One week! And thirty house points from Gryffindor!"_

_That sucked the smile of James and Sirius's face so fast it was as if someone had just shaken up an Etch-a-Sketch. _

_Yes, ma'm, professor, ma'm._

**#48**

**I am not being repressed.**

"_Now, if we could _please _get back to SOME form of normalcy!" Professor McGonagall glared pointedly at the back table where the Marauders sat glumly. After taking a moment or two for some deep breathing exercises, she continued the lesson. _

"_Now… let me see…today we will be reanimating inanimate objects. This exercise is unduly complicated and will require your full attention…_

--

"… and Moony distributed parchment, James and I proceed to have a stick figure war, and… uh, that's about it."

Dumbledore, usually the patient one, sighed and rubbed his temples, muttering something that sounded very much like "At least he's honest" under his breath.

"Thank you, Mr. Black, you may go.

Sirius bounced happily out the door and down the steps. Upon reaching the stone gargoyle, he swung to the left and ran off to meet his friends.


End file.
